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The end (January 19, 2005 - 4:38 p.m.) Of course, yesterday I was just talking nonsense. It was, in a way, a set up for this, a tease: Whilst I do think I went through the whole thing without altering the quality of my relationship with my wife , which it has to be stressed is good – and that was really all I was trying to say I think – there is absolutely no doubt in mind that I didn’t properly take into account what she would feel about it when she found out. That I got caught up in loving two people at once is absolutely true, that I felt I had to be true to myself and them in fulfilling that love is true too. But while we live in a monogamous society even if it is emotionally possible to love two, it isn’t ethically possible to do that. When I’m being coldly dispassionate about what happened I know what I had was an almost childish belief in the immortality of keeping two relationships going, knowing both felt ‘right’ and knowing too the importance of not being discovered because of the hurt it would cause the people I loved. Over the time I’ve been writing here I’ve been accused of smugness, of being uncaring…and worse. I hope that those who have read me regularly know too that I have a deep layer of self-deprecation and am happy to concede my faults. But maybe I’ve been deluding myself about that too. Maybe I just am ‘smug’. Isn’t it a form of arrogance to believe that I can ‘get away’ with undermining my wife’s belief in me? Wasn’t it always likely to collapse? Could it really ever have been a credible defence to put forward what I said yesterday – that I haven’t really been any different for her than I would have been? Would she really be interested in that sort of philosophy as we both tumble into the huge hole I’ve dug beneath us? And although it was always intended to be ironic, can I defend calling this page ‘Gambling my life away’? Or indeed those ‘rules’? And Jo? I love her, and yet eventually I got to the right answer that the best thing I could do for her was to stop holding out (unintentionally) that hope of something better, to stop dangling, just out of her reach, an alternative to the life she wasn’t enjoying. In fact, in some ways (though by no means all) I think her life over the last few months has been better, more stable anyway, than it was when I was a feature. So – I’m a shit, and at long last I know it. These last few days I’ve decided to stop being adulterous-k. It’s time to take off that mask that no longer fits or suits, and get another. I’ve enjoyed this little community of friends so much I don’t really want to leave so I’ll probably pop up as someone else here soon. Cheerio – and thanks for reading this far. |